*nidorans*

Poems I found in my notebook while cleaning stuff out

You are my warm rain
When clouds pass over the sun (so the air is grey)
with sweat on my back

Warm raindrops collecting on the surface of leaves

I am a sandbar
in the middle of the sea
on a humid day
where the air is soupy
and tastes like nectar

I am the warm rain
and the tracks of eager seagulls

I am the moist flour
between your toes
ubiquitous, in your sheets, your car carpet,
the groove of your back,
trickling with rain and your joyous exertions
on a warm, rainy day at the beach
*nidorans*

la ansiedad

you are not anxiety or events.

you freak out, your brain goes crazy, you are unfocused. you are SORRY, for everything, for yourself, for your existence. the second something goes wrong, it is because you are a failure, you are unhinged. remembering how the days laid out with Samer, the small things that were a pain, so you can attempt to
1) make a serious good effort, since you've never started and maintained anything so honestly, don't put the towel on the floor and wash the vegetables

but it's difficult to say DON't be anxious, don't reflect the past onto the present, but isn't that just how humans work? we make associations? we don't always know how these associations work? I don't want this whole relationship to have any major focus on not fucking' triggering' me or some bullshit

but maybe the issue is the fact that you're FIGHTING it
keep pushing it under till it surfaces
etc;

just be open and frank and you can't help how everything gets kinda colorful when you want to talk about being stressed
be frank, very brief details

crazy drunk psychopath, not sure how to address that
crazy weird islamic marriage, not sure how to address that either?

try to be normal, centered, take things slow

"I love you"
"I don't want this to affect how we interact, I don't want you to have to tiptoe around me, but I am sensitive to high pitched sounds, loud barking, and my brain sometimes gets weird if you are acting weird while drunk or talking about suicide"
"my reactions and feelings are normal and valid, and I don't know why I feel so embarrassed about it but I do, and I think many people have similar sensitivities and weirndesses"
"i'm not weird, why do I feel so bad about it"
"there's nothing to feel bad about"
"don't make fun of me because I'm American"
"I'm not trying to be a special snowflake"
*nidorans*

horrible

You were the best dog ever, and when I can handle it I want to write down all the things we did together the five amazing months I had you here. But I need to be able to think about you without crying, and get the screams and the blood and the smell out of my head, and find a way to remember how much I loved you without it hurting too much like I'm being stabbed in the fucking heart.
*nidorans*

quotes from friends

lewis: I'm not sure if I'm stupid or just tired
i'm a fixture, you're ephemeral

Shawn: your ass is the reason we survived the pleistocene
i don't have a one track mind, i have a two way penis

z: do they even know rothki=o

random woman about emilio:
he kissed your shoulder but didn't pay for your coffee?

padian: 25 ml were centrifuged... by who, God?

Charles Marshall: that's all life is on some level... the breaking and forming of bonds

amazing in Bayesian...
*nidorans*

re-enervate

genomic engravings,
notch on a chromosome,
the separation of syntenic blocks,
transposons jumping joyfully like dolphins
into motile pools of nucleic acid,
reconstituting, re-enervating,
dragons carrying leaky pools in their mouths,
boulders blocking pterodactyls,
telomeres golden threads,
the quiet when the spool is spun.
*nidorans*

carajo!

Surprising that I didn't write in here at all when Samer broke up with me, but goddamnit it was incredibly hard, painful, devastating. Right now the blunt sadness has been replaced with ire at all the ways he was (drinking while driving my car, getting mad at me for getting mad at that, ALWAYS TELLING ME WHAT TO WEAR, always judging me and acting like he knew better when I'd proved myself vastly more competent than him in so many ways [this is scientifically tbh]). So just ire now. But better than waking up in pain, pain, pain, my heart throbbing, my body aching, dullness, numbness, a blank haze over all my thoughts and movements, my hunger (compared to my usual voraciousness) nonexistent. Everything disgusting. Everything pointless.
So now ire, a healthy amount, replaced by feelings of slowly developing affections for somebody new, so there's that. Who knows what will happen, etc;. But I'm in my place now, settled, and the way I approach my future completely up to me.